Well, maybe not the hardest way, but still, I learned.
I got myself a fancy new phone last week, and the first thing I did was figure out how to turn my phone on vibrate.
This is a very important feature on any phone, when you work on a film set. In fact, if you’re actually, physically on set, like a camera assistant or boom operator, you should probably put your phone on silent altogether.
In the office, you obviously don’t have to worry about ruining a take from your desk. Still, as a PA, I go to and from the set a lot. I make a habit of putting my phone on vibrate the moment I pull into my parking spot. That way, I don’t have to remember to switch it on and off, depending on where I am.
So, imagine my surprise when, while I was passing out callsheets, I heard the theme from Indiana Jones. (Did I mention the second thing I figured out was how to change my ringer to the Indiana Jones theme?)
At first, I assumed it was someone else’s cell (who doesn’t like Indiana Jones?), but sure enough, it was mine.
As it turns out, the “Vibrate All” option on my phone actually means, “Vibrate Phone, Texts, Chats, and Emails, But Not, However, The Alarm Clock.” I guess that was too much to fit on the screen.
I’m sure I had a good reason for setting my alarm for 3:00pm, but I’ll be damned if I can remember what it was.
This funny little story was related to me recently:
The office PA was sent out for a few items that were needed on set ASAP. (Everything’s always needed ASAP; I’m not sure why anyone even bothers to say “ASAP” anymore.) The art department needed some rubber gloves; make-up and wardrobe were low on Polaroid film, for continuity pictures. Normal stuff, really.
While he was out, the crew began filming a scene set on the water. Even though the audio would be basically useless, the director wanted to record a guide track for ADR, later. Not wanting the microphone to get wet, the boom op radioed the office that she needed a box of non-lubricated condoms to fit over the mic.
I like to imagine the clerks face when the PA showed up wtih condoms, rubber gloves and Polaroid film.
XKCD is rapidly becoming my Simpsons. As in, "Hey, that reminds me of this one XKCD comic..."
Just about every call sheet I’ve ever seen had some variation of the following written across the top:
CLOSED SET
NO VISITORS WITHOUT PRIOR APPROVAL FROM THE UPM.
Just once, I’d like to see,
OPEN SET
BRING YOUR FRIENDS, YOUR NEIGHBORS, YOUR NEIGHBORS’ FRIENDS!
Same thing goes for the scripts. They’re all stamped “CONFIDENTIAL,” with a note that says something like, “To be read only by the cast and crew.”
Well, duh.
The stupid thing is, when everything is private and confidential, you can’t distinguish between, say, “Jack and Kate hike through the woods again” and “JACK IS TOTALLY A CYLON ZOMFG!1!!”
I know a guy who started out working in porn. Not in porn, but as a cameraman. Although he did admit he’d have to wrap his arms around a big, sweaty, greased up hunk of man in order to get some of the more interesting angles.
Anyway.
The point is, he told me it was exciting and titillating at first, but after a while, he got tired of the old “Boob, boob, boner, boob, ass, boob, boner” routine.
I was reminded of this yesterday, when we were scheduled to blow up a house. The producer was packing up, and I asked if he was going to set to watch the big stunt.
He rolled his eyes and said, “I’ve seen thousands of explosions in my twenty years on the job. I don’t need to watch another one.”
And this wasn’t just any explosion. We blew up an entire house!
Maybe I’m young, but boobs and explosions (or explosions and boobs, if you prefer) bring such joy to my life that I don’t know if I want to be in this business long enough to get bored of them.
Sorry for the late post today, but I was sent on a run the moment I walked in the door.
Runs are one of the main differences between set and office production assistants. Set PAs stay on set all day, everyday (or longer; they’re the first to arrive and last to leave, other than teamsters). Which means set PAs get a shit-ton of overtime, and therefore generally get paid a lot more than office PAs.
Office PAs are usually rotated in shifts so that at least one or two are in the office at all time, but no one works more than twelve hours. One compensating factor is that office PAs can go on runs. Runs can be fun, or they can be annoying, but in any case, they always mean extra money.
You’re supposed to get 55¢ per mile driven (although some companies pay a little less). In theory, this is a reimbursement for wear and tear on your car, as well as gas. But really, I’m not setting this money aside into a car fund or something. It’s just an extra hundred, tax-free dollars on my paycheck every week.
And here’s a little open secret for you newbies: no one reports the actual mileage they drove. You always add a mile or two. Hell, if you’re driving to the Valley, add ten. Neither the coordinator nor the accountant have any idea how far it is to Actor A’s house, or Executive B’s office.
The exception to this, of course, is when the company is on location and you drive to set. The location department publishes maps, and on those maps is the exact mileage to and from the office. Why they don’t round to the nearest five miles, I don’t know.
In any case, the producer will notice, and you will get chewed out, not to mention the fact that your mileage sheet will be under extra scrutiny for a while thereafter.
So be careful, but don’t feel guilty about giving yourself a few extra miles on that next run.
I happen to know a guy on said show. When I told him about the story, he laughed heartily and said, “Oh, God, no. That’s just a bald-faced lie.”
I thought I was saving the environment.
Which makes sense. Can you imagine giving an actor a (relatively) expensive piece of electronic equipment, even one with a single button? These people can’t make it from their trailer to the stage without getting lost. (For those of you not in the business, oh God, I wish I was kidding.)
From what I hear, all Fox shows got rid of plastic water bottles, which is probably more of a cost-saving measure disguised as concern for the environment. Instead, the crews are given reusable metal bottles.
But not the actors, of course; they’d lose the bottles.
On my show, the only noticeable changes are that all of the office lights now use those cute, twisty energy-saver bulbs, and they’ve installed motion sensors in the bathroom.
I’m more than a little embarrassed to note that, after delicious Mexican lunch from the catering truck, I was in the bathroom so long that the lights turned off. On the plus side, I have empirically proven that I can, indeed, find my asshole without the aid of a flashlight.
I received a very lovely email today, from Heather of Howcast.com:
Your blog makes me laugh, and reminds me why I ran far from set work…It’s not easy! Although, the “There’s Always Someone Below You” post made me happy….it’s *not* easy, but it has its rewards for sure.
Anyway, I figure as a PA, you may already make your own films and videos or you may know lots and lots of PAs who do, and we’re launching a pretty cool contest this week — the How-To Video Challenge. We’re asking filmmakers, video artists, and DIYers to come up with a fresh, original approach to the how-to video.
First prize is $2000. We’ve got awesome judges lined up — Peter Baxter, Slamdance Film Festival; Jeff Cooperman, The Colbert Report; Charles Merzbacher, Boston University; Katherine Sharpe, ReadyMade Magazine; Tim Sullivan, Magical Elves (Project Runway, Top Chef). And, the top submissions will be showcased across online, mobile and off-line platforms.
The contest is the perfect opportunity for us to reward the creativity of the filmmakers we work with and to challenge a whole new community of film and video makers and DIYers.
Here are all the links entrants need to get started:
-Heather
Managing Producer, Emerging Filmmakers Program
Howcast Media
Heather didn’t know it at the time, but I’m actually already one of Howcast’s “Emerging Filmmakers.” I won’t tell you which one, of course. :)
It’s actually a pretty cool program. They give you a script and voice over (along with a nice little music library), and all you have to do is shoot whatever you want. Some of the how to videos are funny, some are straight forward, but they’re all pretty good. Plus, you get fifty bucks out of the deal, so I highly recommend it.
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While I’m linking to other sites, here’s a few more:
You may have noticed that I rarely mention anyone’s name on this blog. That’s partly to protect my anonymity, and partly because that’s how I actually think of them.
It’s funny, after a few years on the job, you start to be able to identify most positions on sight. The camera guys are generally clean cut, and always have a serious expression on their face. Grips and electrics tend to be bigger and more avuncular (you can tell these guys apart mostly by what they’re carrying– if it plugs in, he’s an electric). Costumers dress like they just fell into the Goodwill bin at the local clown college.
Since you already know the crew positions, it’s easier to refer to someone that way than actually, say, learning his or her name.
Which explains why, when you have three twenty-something guys in the office, no one ever knows our names, either. I’m just, “That One Office PA, You Know, The One Who’s Always Writing In His Blog.”
