Halloween

Hugo over at Polymathic Writings tagged me with a Halloween-y meme: List your top 10 selections and reasons for the selections.

So, here goes, in no particular order–

1. Halloween.  Duh.  Because it’s pants-shittingly terrifying.  And don’t tell me it doesn’t hold up.  Turn off the lights and watch it by yourself at night.  I piss myself as soon as the light gets blown out in the pumpkin.
2. Quarantine.  Today, I watched it in a theater by myself.  Not just that I went to the movies alone (which is sad), but no one else was in the theater.  I sat in the back and kept checking the doors for any movement.
3. The Blair Witch Project.  Very subtly creepy throughout, and the ending is haunting.
4. Seven.  Deeply disturbing.  I can’t watch it enough.
5. Versus.  Kung fu zombies with guns.
6. The Ravenholm Level of Half-Life 2.  Have you played this game?  Just about the scariest zombies I’ve ever seen.
7. 28 Days Later. Except for these zombies.
8. The Thing.  Psychologically damaging and just plain gross.  A perfect combination.
9. The Exorcist.  The best depiction of the Catholic faith in any movie.  And the girl spits on a priest.  Awesome.
10. Alien.  Just, Alien.

Happy Halloween, everyone!

Distro

One of the basic tasks of a PA is distributing paperwork that no one wants to read.  (With good reason, usually; more than a few times, I’ve passed out a memo regarding the fact that the elevators in our building would be shut down… on Saturday.  When no one was going to be there.)

As the office PA, I’m responsible for getting these retarded memos to everyone in the office.  For the set, I give them to the set PA.  (Being a PA is complicated, I know.)

Recently, I got a hold of some paperwork that actually was important.  The director had drawn some storyboards, and he wanted certain important people (the producers, the DP, the AD, etc.) to get them.  He gave them to his assistant, who gave them to my boss, who gave them to me.

I copied them, passed them around the office, and dutifully handed a pile to a set PA.  My assignment complete, I went back to the more demanding task of coming up with a funny Facebook status.  (“…hasn’t eaten any candy all day!  He thinks he’ll reward himself with a piece of candy.”)

The next morning, the AD came over the walkie, screaming, “Where the FUCK are my storyboards?  What the hell kind of fucking Mickey Mouse operation is this?  I should have had these fucking things yesterday!”

This was on channel 1, the main production channel.  You rarely yell at someone on channel 1, and you never swear.  It was bizarre and frightening.

My boss turns to me and asks, “Why didn’t you give him the storyboards?”

“I gave them to the set PA, like I always do.”

“When I give you something to do, you need to take responsibility for it.”

Like when the director gave you something to do?  Way to lead by example, there, buddy.

Still, I was curious what the hell happened, so I went to the set PA, to find out.  Turns out, several things went wrong and, oddly, none of them were my fault.

First, the coordinator decided to put a memo on top of the storyboards.  Essentially, it said, “These are storyboards.”

Now, on set, ADs and DPs are very, very busy.  They’re constantly, well, not actually doing anything, but yelling at other people to do things.  (DPs and ADs tend to be jerks; a nice DP is as rare as a diamond, and a nice AD is as rare as Bigfoot shitting a diamond on a unicorn riding a lightning bolt while being attacked by a shark during a solar eclipse.)

So, when you hand what looks like another pointless memo to these busy, angry people, they have a tendency to ignore it.  The way the set PA tells it, the DP told him to put it on his desk (where it still sits– I checked).  The AD said, “Don’t give me shit on set,” and promptly threw it in the garbage.

Of course, they don’t remember saying these things.  They just know they don’t have a storyboard in their hands, right now.

Now, had it been me, I would have flipped through the storyboards, because I’m a nosy fucker.  And, because I don’t know my place, I would have said to the AD, “Are you sure you want to throw these out?  They’re story boards.”

But that didn’t happen.  Communication broke down all around me, and, though I did my job exactly as I should have, I’m the one who got blamed.

I love being a PA.

How to Impress

A friend of mine discovered I write this blog, and is now playing a rousing game of “Guess the Roman à Clef.” She hasn’t gotten them all right, so I’m glad my attempts at obscuring my identity have had some effect.

Anyway, she had a tip for getting on the director’s (or anyone else’s) good side.

On the first day of the episode, my friend went to director and asked what he wanted for breakfast. Directors are busy, and they often arrive write at call time, so they rarely get time to grab food in the morning.  My friend went and got his food, and he dutifully thanked her.

But here’s the really good part– for the rest of the week, every morning, she brought him his breakfast without being asked.  He just showed up on set, and a moment alter, she’d show up with a hot, steaming bowl of oatmeal.  (Ew.)

Now, this guy was a screamer. He yelled at everybody, all the time, for any little thing, or for no reason at all.  Actors, extras, crew, it didn’t matter.  He yelled indiscriminately at everyone.

Except for this one PA. Isn’t that sweet?

- – -

This is completely unrelated, but here’s a great post from the Hollywood Juicer, how the real work gets done in this town.

How to Move Up from Reality TV to Real TV

Reader Kelly writes:

I love your blog, just wanted to say that.  Thanks for writing it.

Awwww.  Well, that’s it for today!

…Oh, wait, no. She also had a question:

I have been working more and more in production, specifically most recently in reality.  How do I get into being a P.A. in features or in network television.  What sites are good too look at besides craigslist, entertainmentcareers, and the UTA list.

This is a problem I suffered through for (too many) years.

Both the UTA Joblist and EntertainmentCareers.net are geared more towards being an assistant than actual production work.  (By the way, many people bag on the UTA list, but my first two jobs in the industry came from it, so I won’t complain.)

Mandy.com and the various film, television, and porn-related pages of Craig’s List are great places to find low (or deferred) paying gigs on non-union projects.  The thing to remember is, other than maybe the director and producers, nobody is working on those shows for the love of filmmaking.

“But Anonymous, if they’re not making money, and they don’t like doing it, then why are they there?”

Credits.

Take the show I was on at the beginning of this year (during the strike).  Our 1st AD was actually a 2nd AD on a network TV series.  All of our camera operators regularly paid the bills as camera assistants on movies.  Same with our DP– he’s usually a gaffer.

The point is, on most of these low-budget productions, the crew around you works on bigger budgets the rest of the year.  Make friends with them.  Get their phone numbers and e-mail addresses.  When this show ends, and it’s time to find some more work, call them up.  Ask the production designer if she needs an art PA, or ask the AC if he needs a camera utility.

And lastly, there’s the Coordinators’ 411 Google group.  Obviously, it’s a place for coordinators to help each other out.  People post messages asking about the best place rent office furniture, or what copy service to use, or if anybody knows a good PA.

You have to be a production coordinator to join, but you don’t have to be a coordinator to enjoy the benefits.  I have a few friends who are on the mailing list, and they forward me any “Need a GREAT PA for network show!” messages.  (How come no one ever needs a mediocre PA?)

I strongly suggest you make friends with a coordinator, and ask her to send you job postings. I’ve only heard about it in the last year or so, but I’ve gotten a dozen interviews, including my last two network TV jobs, from this site.

Hope that helps.

Links in the Chain

WordPress has some neat features (much more so than Blogger or, God help us, Myspace, both of which I’ve used).  My favorite, besides the chart showing me how many readers I have, is the “referrers” tool.  I’m not sure how this is different than “incoming links;” if someone knows, please explain it to me.

Anyway, I find a lot of new websites and blogs, thanks to this tool.  I also get an idea of who’s reading about me, which is always fun.

For instance, there’s David Schulman’s “something for the kids.” It turns out there are many aspiring writers who blog out there.  Who knew?  (By the way, David, I’m not a part of the film industry bloggers.  Their PA posts sporadically, and has a picture that implies she wants to do strange things to me with her coffee.)

There’s also A TV Calling, which features intelligent discussions of the art and business of television.  Here’s a few ideas about how to improve TV.

Lastly, I’m starting to get tagged on Facebook, which is kinda cool.  I guess now I can get that, “I’m famous on Facebook!” T-shirt I’ve been eyeing.  Thanks, Summer and Jennifer!  (I know I’ve asked this before, but seriously, why does someone in San Fransisco or West Virginia care about this page?)

- – -

On an unrelated note, Halloween is coming up this week, as those of you with calendars may know.  Like every year, I’m having trouble coming up with a costume.

I’ve really only had two clever ones in my life.  One was Clark Kent, which basically involved putting on a glasses and a suit, with a Superman T-shirt underneath.  Everyone once in a while, I would pretend to hear something, rip open my shirt, and run away.

The other was Lenny, from Memento.  A friend wrote all over me with a sharpie.  Then, I walked around the party with a Polaroid camera and introduced myself to everyone over and over again.  One guy got the joke, and gave me a different name every time.  I still don’t know what his real name is.

I did come up with a funny one for a friend of mine.  She’s Mexican and her boyfriend’s white, so I suggested they dress up like a a Minuteman and an illegal immigrant, with her as the Minuteman.

Anyway.  If you’ve got any cool ideas, please let me know, so I don’t have to go as an anonymous blogger.

Family Circus on the Financial Crisis

I don’t normally post on Sundays, but this definitely warrants an exception:

 

And what do you think about the federal bail out, Billy?

 

 

 

When our current economic condition starts affecting the Family Circus, you know we’re in trouble.

Oh, Goody! My First Reader Question!

Reader Brian sent me a question, proving once again that “expertise” is a meaningless concept on the internet.

I really enjoy your blog — thanks for all the info and frequent posting.

That’s not actually part of the question. It just made me feel good.

I just applied for a PA position at a network comedy after meeting their showrunner at a film festival. After a chat, said showrunner told me to call his line producer at the show and say that “I [the showrunner] said to contact” him about PA work.

I need to stop you right there. Here’s the thing about showrunners, besides the fact that my spell checker hates them: they don’t often know how a show is run. They create the characters and story, but they can’t tell an electrician from a grip. (A hint: look what’s in his hand; if it has a plug, he’s an electric.)

The line producer is his contact with the actual production. Since hiring PAs is several pay grades below the LP, it’s possible this showrunner just didn’t know who to direct your query to.

I phoned this week, got hold of the line producer’s assistant, and sent her my resume for passing along to the line producer and other appropriate departments.

Never, ever, ever trust someone to forward your resume to someone else. I’ve been burned by this in the past. Through either laziness (it’s not their department, so they don’t care) or avarice (they want to have you, not that other department), it won’t get to where you want it to.

If you wanna be an art PA, ask to be transferred to the art department. If you want to work in locations, ask for the location manager. Don’t expect an assistant to do your leg work for you.

Also, on your initial call, you should have asked if there were any open positions. The season is well underway, and having a one-time chat with the showrunner does not guarantee you a spot. Of course, people are hired and fired all the time, so you never know. Which is why you should ask.

My questions:

1. When’s the appropriate time for me to follow up?
2. When I do follow up, should I speak with the assistant again, or try for the line producer directly?

1. When I worked at an agency, my boss’s rule of thumb was 2-3 days, depending on how busy they sounded and what time of day you sent it. If you spoke on Monday, Wednesday’s a good day. Called on Wednesday? Try Friday. And so on.

2. The line producer has many more important things to do than talk to a prospective PA, unless the showrunner’s your brother. I’m assuming you would have mentioned that, so so let’s go with, “He’s just not that into you.”

Talk to the assistant. Make friends with the assistant. In a few years, she’s gonna be the line producer, and you’ll be… whatever you want to be. Hopefully, she’ll still want to talk to you.

Lastly, in this case, it’d be a good idea to get transferred to the showrunner’s assistant. Just ask him to pass along the message that it was nice to meet Alan Ball or John Rogers or whoever. You don’t want him to forget about you, either.

My Last Political Post, I Swear!

This week, anyway.

John Rogers has posted a clarification about the whole “self-pitying self-indulgent narcissist” thing.  He didn’t mean for it to apply to all conservatives who feel bullied around town.  Fair enough.

I think he was referring to me to me when he wrote, “There was one commenter who noted that in some jobs, as a low-level dude, you need to keep your mouth shut, or you’d be fired…  I sympathize.”

On a side note: it’s too bad he didn’t link to me; I could use the traffic, even if it is from his leftist, commie, pinko, hippie, pot-smoking, latte-sipping, Prius-driving, liberal readers.

How do you like them stereotypes, Scott? ;)

(To drift even farther afield of the point, Elana Frink thanked me for linking to her: “You mentioned me on your blog! I FEEL SO FAMOUS.”  What amazes me more than the fact that a couple hundred people read my thoughts daily is the idea that one of those people would be impressed that I linked to her.  The intertubes are weird.)

Anyway.  Back to the Kung Fu Monkey blog:

I once saw somebody fire a five year old. I’ve seen people fired because they didn’t go get their boss’s blow fast enough. Welcome to Hollywood. It’s awful. Politics will be the least of your worries in your hopefully long career.

I’m confused when people dismiss complaints with invocations of “That’s life!“  Is this supposed to make me feel better, or worse, or what?

So bad things happen.  The fact that I’m not the first (nor last) to suffer from them means I shouldn’t say anything about it?  What happened to the liberal credo, Speak Truth to Power?

It’s silly and irrelevant to tell me I’m young, and I haven’t seen the worst of it.  When I get fired for not getting the producer’s blow fast enough, I’ll complain about that, too.  That’s why I started this site.

Hollywood Conservatism

I should amend yesterday’s post.  I made Hollywood’s liberalism seem monolithic, when that’s not completely true.

I worked at a video production company where all the top people were conservative.  They went to church.  They had four or five kids each.  They were married to the same person for decades.

It was bizarre.

The staff was still mostly liberal, though.  When the bosses knocked off at 5:00, once again, everybody felt safe to assume everyone else was liberal.  (The company employed a lot of kids straight out of college, so it was a reasonable assumption.)

I do know that many of them felt compelled to shut up about their politics when the boss was around.  Empathizing with their position, I resisted the urge to say, “Oh, well, I guess you could get a job anywhere else in Hollywood.”

:)

- – -

On a side note, I found a mirror version of me, in Elana Frink’s blog, Girl on Girl Action. (She claims to be “kind of amazed to discover that many people Google this phrase looking for pornography.”  Come on, my blog gets porn searches!  How did you not see this coming, Frink?)

Anyway, it’s pretty funny, and well written.  For instance, here’s a post that involves the phrase, “I’m a PIRATE-THEMED HOOKER.” (Go ahead, try not to click that link.  I dare you.)

I like her idea about starting a new political party, “Libersocialism.” I think I’ll call mine “Conservatism.”  That’s “conservative” + “fascism.”

Look, you try it.

I’m a Self-Pitying, Self-Indulgent Narcissist With My Head So Far Up My Ass That I Equate “Occasional Discomfort During Cocktail Party Conversations” With “Being on the Fucking Blacklist.”

Allow me to explain.

There’s an article from the Hollywood Reporter making its way around the blogosphere, “Republicans in biz feel stifled, bullied.”  (Their headlines are so creative.)

Now, I don’t generally talk about politics, because that’s not what this blog is about.  (Unlike John Rogers, who, in the last two months, has posted maybe one article about writing.) But this is about how politics can affect your job, so I’m making an exception this time.

First off, I don’t want to claim there’s some sort of vast, left-wing conspiracy going on.

There isn’t a blacklist.  (As I stated in my comments on Rogers’s blog, I think Klavan’s statement that he didn’t want to be “the Dalton Trumbo of the right” is mere hyperbole.)

But I’m offended at the notion that this is all in our right-wing heads.  We are almost always the lone conservative in the room.  It’s not just that liberals are the majority, but they are such a majority that they don’t even consider the possibility that a conservative might be around.  And when I leave the room, they’re right!

People feel perfecly free to claim that Republicans are hateful, biggoted, war-mongering, stupid, and more.  Is there any other group you could so openly disdain, without any fear of repurcussion?  Oh, yeah, Catholics.

The thing I found most offensive, though, is Rogers’s claim that we conservatives are merely feeling “occasional discomfort during cocktail party conversations.”

I’m a PA.  I make six hundred a week, live in the Valley, drive a Corolla, and have never been to a cocktail party in my life.  If I were a producer, and the only person I had to answer to was my liberal showrunner, Rogers might have a point.

But there are five levels between me and the showrunner, and they’re all varying degrees of liberal, from a Joe Lieberman-type to someone who could be a Rush Limbaugh parody.

I do not feel free to discuss my views with almost any of them, except in the most veiled, indirect ways, and I defy anyone in my position to say otherwise.