The Anonymous Production Assistant’s Blog

Entries categorized as ‘Off-Topic’

Google

August 11, 2009 · Leave a Comment

Quick post tonight (it’s late), then a serious one tomorrow.

I googled several combinations of my anonymous self, and found some interesting results. I hold the number one spot for both “anonymous production assistant” and “production assistant blog.” I’m right behind anonymousassistant.com in a search for “anonymous assistant.”

But if you look up “production assistant,” I don’t even crack the top 50! There’s seriously something wrong there. I mean what does eHow know about being a PA that I don’t?

Categories: About Me · Off-Topic
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Call for Stories

August 7, 2009 · 1 Comment

I’ve been writing this blog for over a year now.  My original intention was to write a new post every day.  These last few weeks (not to mention an inbox full of “have you quit or what?” emails) have convinced me that perhaps I can no longer maintain that pace alone.

So, I’m asking you, now and former production assistants, to send me your stories.  After all, how many Stupid Actress Stories can one guy have, before he starts repeating himself?

Because this is an anonymous blog, you can tell your tale freely and honestly.  In fact, if I do my job correctly, the readers won’t even know which stories are me, and which have been sent in by others.  (Truth be told, some old posts are second-hand accounts that I’ve transformed into first person.)

As an added bonus, those aspiring to enter the business will read a broader range of perspectives than my meager experience can provide alone.

Lastly, I hope to pass this site on to someone else, one day, after I’ve moved on to bigger and better things.  This will help begin the passing of the torch.

If you’re interested, please email me at the address provided to the right.

Categories: About Me · Off-Topic
Tagged:

Best Porn Picture

July 14, 2009 · 4 Comments

We had some time on our hands yesterday, so my friends and I came up with a new game, that we’re calling “Best Porn Picture.”

The rules are simple.  Take any movie that’s won the Best Picture Oscar and change it into a porn title. The title has to be original (no “Star Whores”), and you can’t reuse a movie.  First person who can’t come up with another porn title loses.

Here’s some of the better ones we came up with:

Cumhog Jillionaire
American Booty
Forrest Gimp
Bravehard
The French Cunnilingus

In the Heat of the Night (works either way)
Terms of Enrearment
Back Side Story
Around the Girl in Eighty Ways
The Busty Years of Our Wives
My Spare Lady
A Man for All Semens
Bend-Her
Lawrence in Her Labia
It Happened Many Times One Night

The game works just as well with IMDb’s Top 250 (The Shawskank Redemption) or AFI’s 100 Years,  100 Movies (Citizen Kame, written, directed by, and starring Orson Swells).

What have you got?

Categories: Off-Topic · The Industry
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Links, Links, and More Links

June 18, 2009 · 1 Comment

I received a very lovely email today, from Heather of Howcast.com:

Your blog makes me laugh, and reminds me why I ran far from set work…It’s not easy! Although, the “There’s Always Someone Below You” post made me happy….it’s *not* easy, but it has its rewards for sure.

Anyway, I figure as a PA, you may already make your own films and videos or you may know lots and lots of PAs who do, and we’re launching a pretty cool contest this week — the How-To Video Challenge. We’re asking filmmakers, video artists, and DIYers to come up with a fresh, original approach to the how-to video.

First prize is $2000. We’ve got awesome judges lined up — Peter Baxter, Slamdance Film Festival; Jeff Cooperman, The Colbert Report; Charles Merzbacher, Boston University; Katherine Sharpe, ReadyMade Magazine; Tim Sullivan, Magical Elves (Project Runway, Top Chef). And, the top submissions will be showcased across online, mobile and off-line platforms.

The contest is the perfect opportunity for us to reward the creativity of the filmmakers we work with and to challenge a whole new community of film and video makers and DIYers.

Here are all the links entrants need to get started:

The How-To Video Challenge…Knock our socks off. We dare you.
Guidelines.
Rules.

Thanks so much!

-Heather
Managing Producer, Emerging Filmmakers Program
Howcast Media

Heather didn’t know it at the time, but I’m actually already one of Howcast’s “Emerging Filmmakers.” I won’t tell you which one, of course.  :)

It’s actually a pretty cool program. They give you a script and voice over (along with a nice little music library), and all you have to do is shoot whatever you want. Some of the how to videos are funny, some are straight forward, but they’re all pretty good. Plus, you get fifty bucks out of the deal, so I highly recommend it.

- – -

While I’m linking to other sites, here’s a few more:

MIT has done a fantastic study as to why traffic jams happen.

Last week, On the Media interview the guy who created Tetris. You have to listen to the audio; the guy sounds exactly like Yakov Smirnoff.

In Soviet Russia, meme perpetuates you.

In Soviet Russia, meme perpetuates you.

And lastly, Rod Hilton has finally gotten around to writing his abridged script of Star Trek, making the ten thousandth lens flare joke since the movie was released.

Categories: About Me · Off-Topic · The Industry
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Mail Bag

May 8, 2009 · 8 Comments

I haven’t kept up with the ol’ mail bag like I should’ve.  Time to play catch up.

Rob writes:

You had mentioned that you walked into an interview and impressed them despite wearing a t-shirt and jeans and being unshaven. You got the job.

Do you have any tips on how to ace an interview? Especially for someone like me who has never worked as a PA before?

Tip one: Shave.  (You too, ladies.)  It was a stupid risk I took, coming in all sloppy.  I’ve done it on another occasion, and I failed miserably.  Don’t mistake a humorous anecdote for actual advice.

Tip two: Do your research.  Figure out who the players are and find something, anything, you can talk to your interviewer about.  There will be small talk, so at least have something prepared.

Tip three: Be friendly. 90% of the interview is to ensure that you’re not creepy or a drooling idiot.  They already liked your resume.  The job is basically yours to lose at this point.

- – -

Ben writes:

I graduated from film school in California last year and have been living in London the past 6 months freelance PAing (on set), mostly working on music videos. I am planning on coming back to California in a matter of a week or two and am beginning to freak out over my lack of contacts in LA (and the fact that 90% of the work I have managed to get since graduation has been in music videos and commercials rather than features or TV, which is where I ultimately want to work).

What I am wondering is how I can best land a job PAing in general, and on pilots this season specifically. Is it too late for me this season? If not, do you suggest cold calling production companies, or is there a better way these days?  I managed to get work over here in the UK by interning unpaid for a production company for a couple weeks, and they began to send jobs my way and threw my name around with their contacts. Is such a plan feasible back home? I don’t usually hear of such internships in LA, so I’m concerned as to how to get going in a new town.

Interning is a great way to make contacts, but you can’t intern without being in school.  It’s against California law to hire someone without paying them; also, there are liability concerns.

As far as how to find jobs, just click the “Finding a Job” category on the right side of the page and read on.

And pilots?  They’re done.  You’re looking for series now.

- – -

Joyce asks:

I’ve been thinking I should get business cards to pass around. Your opinion? And if yes, would it just have my name and contact information?

I’m sort of divided on this.  On the one hand, a business card makes it look like you take yourself way to seriously.  On the other, it gives people you meet something physical to remember you by.

Truth be told, I don’t know of any PAs that do it, but that doesn’t mean it won’t work for you.

- – -

Joel writes:

I’m sending in some resumes and cover letters to a bunch of different productions and I was wondering if it is appropriate to specify which department you want to work in.  I’m interested in working in camera– should you call the production office and ask for the camera department and talk to someone with them, or is that not really an option?

The camera department probably doesn’t have a phone.  They’re on a truck.

Every production office I’ve ever worked in collects resumes for all the departments, and I’ve never once seen a department head ask for those resumes.  It’s a weird sort of kabuki we do.

Generally, department heads hire people they know.  The way to get to know a department head is by working in lesser positions and making friends.  It’s why I work in the office, to meet writers.  You should get a set PA job and make friends with the ACs.

- – -

Lastly, Nathan, my second fan, offered me this news:

PA Bootcamp has both of our blogs linked on their homepage now.  I’m not complaining, but WTF?

Cute.  All publicity is good publicity, I guess.

Although, they do list me as “Anonymous Assistant,” when the title of the blog is properly “The Anonymous Production Assistant.”  I registered with WordPress as “anonymousassistant” with the hopes that, someday soon, I would be a writer’s assistant, and the blog’s title could change without affecting the address.

Going further afield of the point, when I first started, googling “anonymous asssistant” would land you with this chick. I wasn’t even on the first 100 pages.  Now, I’m the top hit.  Woohoo!

Anyway.

I received a few emails from Das Bootcamp last month, including one addressed to Nathan.  (They even invited me to meet them at a camp session, seemingly missing the point of the whole “anonymous” thing.)  At my wife’s behest, I discontinued my baiting of the group, and never responded to those e-mails.  Still, in the spirit of today’s post, I present to you those e-mails, in all their glory.

These are, by the way, copy-and-pasted from my inbox.  I’m not going to go and [sic] the hell out of these letters, much as they may deserve it.  Just assume the spelling and grammatical mistakes are the writer’s own.  Or, possibly a secret code activating their sleeper agents trained in a “P.A. Bootcamp.” (Which, I should note, is a misspelling in and of itself.)

From April 7, 7:39 AM–

P.a. Bootcamp Thank you for your posting.

Your negative “opinion” could cost us. But you have the right to it, and if you don’t care about others helpful services who are we to be critical. As long as your readers understand that this is your OPINON and not based on any FACTUAL EXPERIENCE with P.a. Bootcamp, we wish your blog all the best.

You have people however now jumping on the ban bootcamp bandwagon and it will continue to cause a stir. We understand it is getting your blog more attention which is great but it has the potential to hurt others in the process.

Poster JOSH is saying that we go after people who don’t praise us. That isn’t true. We feel unfairly passed judgement on by people who trash us before having any right to. If one of your posters were to attend, find it not worth their time and money than they have every right. Would you say a meal is going to taste bad before trying. Would you day a movie sucks before viewing. Would you comment to a set of parents that having children is a drag to everyone?

If you don’t care and this doesn’t effect you, so be it. We have the right to speak, as much as you do, so we are sharing our thoughts.

Telling you that attending could make a believer out of you, you addressed that on your blog. But then implied that isn’t enough. What would you like? Our staff to not be able to pay rent and bills and provide you all that we teach?
This seems a bit stupid for business sense no?

We’d like suggestions from you. You are so wise at this, how would you go about making P.a. Bootcamp sound worth it? Close up shop and start giving these years of accumulated knowledge from multiple crew members out to people for free? Try for quantity and not quality? Don’t help production, or the A.D.’s just tell everyone the same rule applies to every show and every department? Mislead people who really want to learn?

From April 7, 9:45 AM–

We wanted to take the time to thank you.

Hello. We would like to take the time and thank you for your blog.
You have helped us gain more campers, surprising, with the economy being what it is. As often as blogs do, it stirs interest. We are quite happy with these results. You set out to do that, you have succeeded, and helped our small business in return. Thank you again. We hope we can return the favor some day.

We don’t want to cause any controversy on your blog. We won’t be participating in comment (until we need free press again maybe)
But we wanted to take a minute to thank you.

:)

All the best.

-P.A. BOOTCAMP STAFF www.pabootcamp.com

From April 7, 2:52 PM–

Hello.

I’m assuming this is Nathan,

My name is Charles Canzoneri.  I am not an owner of P.A. Bootcamp, but I do work for them.

Things have quickly turned unfortunate, and rereading the posts, I see it is not entirely your fault.  You initial post contained a flippant comment about the “course guide”, but it appears that reader Josh has really fanned the flames with his remarks.  From there, a couple of members we have on staff to look for internet traffic have taken it upon themselves to protect the company’s interests.

For some, this has become a main source of income during the production slowdown brought on by the current economy and lack of a SAG agreement.  (I’ve been lucky to be working full time on “The Office”.)  That is why the replies from our side have been harshly defensive.  We apologize.

You state that you are traveling and that you may blog about all this.  Before posting a judgement, I would like to invite you to meet with members of our staff, perhaps even during a camp session.  We are a legitimate business whose members work within the Film and television industry in a variety of positions (mostly P.A.’s and A.D.’s.)

Of course, you can post what you wish, and I know you have no control over your readers and their comments.  But I would like you to see the camp for yourself, and ask your questions to us directly about the camp’s content and price.  Maybe we can help you to see (as you put it) “the point.”

When I first heard of P.A. Bootcamp, I was completely unconvinced.  I thought you could train somebody everything they need to know in an hour or two.  I was invited to see the camp and was amazed by how much there is to learn.  And yes, some of it can be learned in a “trial by fire” basis over time.  But with the camp, P.A.’s arrive completely ready to handle the rough sets and the harsh A.D.’s.  They don’t burn the bridge of the first sets they get on.  The camp weeds out people who have the wrong idea about what’s required and how a set really operates.  While everybody retains their own knowledge and learns at their own pace.  There is a definite improvement to a Bootcamp trained P.A. over an untrained one.

After seeing the camp, I was convinced, and asked to help them out.  That was 3 years ago.  The camp is so much better now than it was then.

Charles Canzoneri
P.A. Bootcamp Staff

And again from Chuck, on April 7 at 7:15 PM–

Hello, from Chuck Canzoneri

Wasn’t sure if you received it at my account from work, so I’m using the main Bootcamp computer.

I’m assuming this is Nathan.

My name is Chuck Canzoneri.  I’m not the owner of P.A. Bootcamp and I don’t run it, but I do work for them.

Things have quickly turned unfortunate and rereading the posts, I see it is not entirely your fault.  Your initial post did contain a flip comment about the “course guide”, but it’s the reader/commenter Josh that really fanned the flames with his remarks.  You questioned the need for such a camp, while he called us an outright “scam.”

From there, a couple of members we have on staff that do internet research, email replies, site updates and network traffic watching took it upon themselves to protect the company’s interests.  They even got a couple of former campers to respond.

For some, this business has become a primary source of income during the production slowdown brought on by the current economy and lack of a SAG agreement.  (I’ve been lucky, working full time on “The Office.”)  This is why the replies from our side have been harshly defensive.  We apologize.

You state that you are traveling, but will probably blog about all this.  Before posting judgement, I would like to invite you to meet with members of our staff, perhaps even during a camp session.  We are a legitimate business whose members work within the Film and Television industry in a variety of positions (mostly P.A.’s and A.D.’s).

Of course, you can post what you wish, and I know you have no control over your readers and their comments.  But I would like you to see the camp for yourself, and ask your questions to us directly about the camp’s content and price.  Maybe we can help you to see “the point”, as you put it.

When I first heard of P.A. Bootcamp, I was also completely unconvinced.  I thought you could train somebody everything they need to know in an hour or two.  I was invited to see the camp and was amazed by how much there is to learn, stuff that I just take for granted. (Over 270 terms…we really do speak a different language.)  And yes, some of it can be learned in a “trial by fire” basis over time.  But with the camp, P.A.’s arrive completely ready to handle the rough sets and the harsh A.D.’s.  They don’t burn their bridges on the first sets they day-play on.  They can move into staff positions immediately.

The camp also weeds out people who have the wrong idea about what’s required and how a set operates.  While everybody learns and retains that knowledge at their individual skill level, there’s a definite improvement to a Bootcamp trained P.A. over a completely green one.  Think about a screenwriter.  They don’t need to read “Adventures in The Screen Trade” or “Story” or take Robert McKee’s seminar to write Pulp Fiction.  But there’s a reason why these resources are so popular.  They put your head in the right place so you can deliver what’s expected.

After seeing the camp, I was so convinced that I asked if I could help out.  That was 3 years ago, when they only had around 150 terms and the cost was $175.  P.A. Bootcamp is constantly evolving, and the camp of 3 years ago is a pale shadow to the current incarnation.

Chuck Canzoneri
P.A. Bootcamp Staff

Phew.  Those have been sitting in my in-box for a month, staring at me, pleading to be responded to.  But I think I’ll leave the responses to you, dear readers.

Categories: About Me · Finding a Job · Off-Topic · On the Job
Tagged: , ,

Lucas, Spielberg, & Kasdan… Racists!

March 21, 2009 · 4 Comments

A few weeks ago, Mystery Man wrote about a transcript that’s been floating around the internet.  It’s a story conference involving George Lucas, Steven Spielberg, and Lawrence Kasdan discussing Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Should be fascinating to an aspiring screenwriter like me, right?  Meh.

Reading normal people talk the way normal be talk makes my teeth hurt.  They repeat sentences, they stutter, they lose their train of thought and ramble aimlessly.  I figured MM covered the most interesting parts (he’s good like that), so I never bothered to read the whole thing.

Then, I saw this article in Cracked.  Quick sample:

It’s just sort of interesting to me to see what exactly Steven Spielberg thinks is important in a brainstorming session. In five days, they never decide a name for Marion Ravenwood, they don’t quite settle on too many geographic locations and they still don’t know exactly what Indiana’s last name should be, but if there’s one thing Steven Spielberg can concretely say, it’s that Indiana Jones should knock a llama over. “Guys, I don’t give a shit about what else happens in this movie, but if the credits roll and there’s so much as one fucking llama standing I swear to God I am going to lose it.”

Now I have to read this transcript.

Categories: Off-Topic · Writing
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On Adaptations; Plus, a Prediction

March 3, 2009 · 4 Comments

I’m working for a writer who is adapting a book.  I’ve never adapted anything, and it’s a strange process to watch.  He’s taken the story in a strange new direction; the entire book is basically just the first act of the film.  He’s also renaming character willy nilly, for no reason whatsoever.  I don’t really understand why he’d do that.

It reminds me of an old story Stephen King wrote about.  Allow me to paraphrase:

A young writer met his hero, the Great Novelist.  He gushed about how fantastic the Novelist’s work was, how it moved him and changed his life.  Then he asked, “But how could you sell your masterpieces to those Hollywood producers?  They ruined your books!”

“No, they didn’t,” the Author replied, gesturing to the bookshelf behind him.  “They’re all still right here.”

It is strange that a studio would go through the hassle of obtaining rights to an existing property, only to alter it unrecognizably.  But it is true: the book is still right there.

- – -

Kinda on the topic of adaptations, I just rewatched Dark Knight and had a sudden revelation.  At the end of Batman Begins, Gordon pulls out a Joker card and talks to Batman about “escalation.”  What was Dark Knight about?

Escalation.

So, Dark Knight ends with Batman all alone, and Gordon telling Macaulay Culkin’s clone that the cops have to hunt him (Batman, not Gordon).

Now, if the problem of the next film is hero-against-the-world, how do you solve that?  He needs to find a partner!  In Batman’s world, that leaves us with either Robin, who has been ruled out, or… Catwoman.

Remember this post when Batman 3 comes out.  I called it first!

Categories: Off-Topic · On the Job · The Industry
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Still Alive

February 16, 2009 · 5 Comments

I received a lovely e-mail from Michael over at Hollywood Juicer:

Dude, it’s ten days since you last posted.  Not that I mean to pressure you (being barely able one post a week, this pot will not hurl accusations of “blackness” towards any kettle at all), but when someone who typically puts up something four or five times a week suddenly goes stone-cold silent, the rest of us begin to wonder.

Your perceptive and often deliciously caustic commentary is missed out here in Industry Blogville.  Hope all is well.

It’s true, I have been neglecting my bloggitory duties.  It’s due to an overabundance of work, and in these economic times, I can’t really complain about that.  I’ve been pulling 14 to 20 hour days at my real job, and at least 10 hour days helping my friend shoot his web series.  Plus, I’m trying to get my own short film off the ground.  Add in Valentine’s day, and poof!  TAPA disappears.

I have been making notes regarding the last couple weeks, so don’t worry, the caustic commentary shall return soon.

In the meanwhile, I recommend to all of my readers (except Michael himself) to read his much more measured and reasonable response to the Christian Bale fiasco.

And Alan, don’t worry, I’ll get to your question soon.

Categories: About Me · Off-Topic

Links! (So I Don’t Have to Write a Real Post!)

January 27, 2009 · 2 Comments

Get it?  Hes Link!  Eh?  Eh?

Get it? He's Link! Eh? Eh?

Things are picking up around work, so, in lieu of a real post here are a few fun links:

Script Goddess has a great post about the little moments on set.

Did you know there was a terrorist attack in New York? In 1920? I heard about it from a Slate podcast.

While searching for some (innocent, I swear!) images, I stumbled across this page for Feminist Film Studies at the University of Minnesota. I love reading people over-analyzing images. The study of the pregnant woman is particularly amusing. The anonymous responses to this student are great, too.

Here’s a nerdy post about why modern video games are even harder than they look.

Economists can make anything sound boring.

Over at Variety, Brian Lowry claims that reality TV is getting stale.  Cynthia Littleton thinks the same thing about script shows.

Lastly, a few fun TV tropes I recently discovered:

Categories: Off-Topic · The Industry
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Political Hollywood Links

January 12, 2009 · 3 Comments

Cracked has a hilarious article about Magic Negros.  Oh, man, I nearly peed my pants.

- – -

John Rogers has a confusedly worded, rambling diatribe on his blog.  Once you get past the beginning, where he seems to be addressing some unspecified reader or readers, he makes some sound points:

This is how it works, kids. Hollywood is run by large corporations. Large corporations do not want to make controversial political movies. Which is why, by and large, they don’t. They want to make franchise-friendly four-quadrant super-profitable family entertainment, with some sex comedies for the teens/dumb-guy comedies for college students, sprinkled liberally with horror movies for Date Night. Which is why, by and large, they do.

This is not hard. This is capitalism. Capitalism is our friend.

Artsy People in Hollywood, on the other hand, often want to do something artistically satisfying, or personally important. And, too, studios sometimes want to win awards, because with that prestige comes more bargaining power with the Artsy People, and often more profits. And, hey, some Execs are secret Artsy People. It’s kind of cool, actually.

And further:

The difference is, the guys at Big Hollywood [a conservative Hollywood website] look at Stop-Loss — costing $25 million and making $11 million — and deduce that America is rejecting Hollywood’s liberal agenda. While I look at An American Carol – costing $20 million and making $7 million — and deduce “Huh, people didn’t seem to like that movie.”

Indeed, I might look at the failure of those two overtly political movies at the either end of the ideological spectrum say “Huh, people don’t seem to like overtly political movies from either end of the ideological spectrum.” But probably not, as I’m not the sort of fuckwit who tries to derive patterns off two lousy data points.

The conversation between the suits is pretty funny, too.

The only thing I take issue with is his dismissal of a “liberal agenda.”  No, there is no organized conspiracy, and yes, the studios are more concerned with making money than anything else.  (Although, I am the sort of fuckwit who would derive a pattern from two lousy data points; I really don’t think Americans like overtly political movies.)

But that doesn’t change the fact that most of Hollywood’s creative power class are liberal.  By that alone, far more liberal movies than conservative ones will be pitched; even if you allow that an equal percentage from each category will eventually be made, that still leaves us with more liberal movies than conservative ones.

Categories: Off-Topic · The Industry
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