Perfection

Following yesterday’s post, I had a few more thoughts on mistakes.

I used to be a personal assistant to a producer. He asked me if I ever wanted to be a director, and I said I did. He told me I could never do that job until I could do this job perfectly.

This statement made absolutely no sense to me, whatsoever. What could getting coffee and rolling calls have to do with directing a film?

There are many career paths in Hollywood, but some are more straightforward than others. Advancing within certain departments works much the same way it does in any line of work– with each promotion comes more pay and extra responsibilities; as you advance far enough, smaller responsibilities fall on those below you.

A best boy, for instance, does the same work as a grip or electric, with the added responsibilities of ordering and tracking equipment (among other things). This, in turn, relates to being a gaffer key grip, in that these department heads are responsible for budgeting for said equipment, as well as hiring crew.

Other careers make less sense. A set PA becomes a 2nd AD, who becomes a first AD, who suddenly becomes a UPM. You spend twenty years running around sets, and then suddenly you’re sitting at a desk?

Camera makes even less sense to me. The ability to load film does not reflect whatsoever on your ability to pull focus, which in turn has no bearing on your camera-operating skill. Then, you’re promoted to DP, and suddenly you’re in charge of the grips and electrics, too!

Directing is an extreme version of this. Directors often come from being department heads. This makes sense for a DP, who’s already in charge of three departments. Less so for a costume designer.

But the absolutely most nonsensical career path is that of the writer.

In TV, producers will often hire their assistants to be writers. But what does getting the boss’s lunch order right have to do with writing a script?

This is what they mean by “paying your dues”– lying. There are jobs that must be done, but bear no relation to what you ultimately want to do. The older generation, including my old boss, simply lie to the next generation to get them to work hard at an essentially meaningless job.

And I’ll probably be doing the same thing in twenty years, I guess.

Ridiculous Names

A throwaway joke in yesterday’s post prompted a few questions. Thankfully, Michael the Hollywood Juicer had answers, as usual.

Someday, I hope Mike does a post on all the silly, strange, and just plain confusing nicknames we have for our equipment. In the meanwhile, here’s mine.

As Mike said, names of items differ from place to place, time to time, and even set to set. I’ve heard the heavy bags used to hold stands in place called, variously, “dirtbags,” “sandbags,” “beach,” and, in the case of one memorable Jewish DP, “Mel Gibsons,” due to his “Jews started all the wars” comment. (Why this incident alone, in the long history of crimes against the Jewish people, merited renaming “dirtbags,” I don’t know; I’m not sure he does, either.)

I’m told that, before my time, many terms used to be racist, sexist, or both. For instance, black fabric stretched over a 4′ by 4′ frame is now called either a “solid” or “negative fill.” (If there’s an extra piece of fabric that hangs down to 8′, it’s called a “floppy.”)

Apparently, these used to be called “blacks,” but the name changed for fear of offending someone. This seemed ludicrously PC to me, until I heard the following story.

An old (white) cinematographer was shooting a Spike Lee commercial. The room they were filming in was very white. Logically, the DP needed a lot of solids to control the light.

He said, “I need you guys to hang blacks along all the walls. I want to see blacks hanging all around me.”

You’ll be surprised to learn that Spike didn’t hire this DP again.

The Most Important Person on Set

I’ve complained about the camera department before, but just last week, an operator managed to reach below my already low expectations of civil behavior.

My set counterpart was passing out prelim call sheets to department heads. Since we were rolling at the time, the PA went around to the “soft crew” first– hair, make-up, costume. At cut, he worked his way into the set, hitting the gaffer and key grip before eventually reaching the camera operator.

Suddenly, the camera op started yelling. (I know this, because I could hear him from the production office.) “I’m the most important person on the set! I’m more important than the DP! I’m more important than the director!”

I asked the PA later what the deal was. He said the operator was angry that he didn’t get the prelim before anyone else. Astonishingly, this outburst did not get the operator fired.

Later in the week, though, a camera assistant quit, and he took his 2nd with him, because of this operator. Guys in the camera department are often jerks and bullies, and ACs are used to putting up with shit. It would take a lot to get an AC to quit, especially now.

Because I’m not on set, I don’t know the specifics of what happened, but this operator must be a colossal dick.

Why are guys like that allowed to have a job, when I know so many nice, competent people out of work?

Do Me a Favor

Hollywood is built on favors, but some people don’t seem to realize that.

I’m making a short film. Just about the only way to make a decent short, without going broke, is to borrow equipment and get your friends to work for free.  In exchange, you offer them free food, their name in the credits, a copy of the movie, and the expectation that you will return the favor some day.

In quick succession, two of my friends violated this very simple barter system, much to my chagrin.

Tuesday, we needed a camera for about six hours at the beach.  A DP friend of mine owned the right kind of camera, but refused to let us borrow it; he insisted on charging us $150.  For six hours.

He said it was because he was afraid we’d get sand in it (we shot at the beach).  Now, first of all, I used to be an AC.  I ACed for this guy.  He knows I take care of cameras.  Plus, paying him money upfront doesn’t protect his camera.  Insurance (which our production has) does.

Worse than that, though, is the fact that I ACed for him as a favor.  He simply refused to do me a favor back.

Now, here’s the nutty part.  The producer found the same camera for $120.  So, we went back to my friend, and he still wouldn’t bring his price down.  The producer (who was also friends with this DP) called the next day, to ask if he rented is camera to anyone else.  He hadn’t.

Can you imagine that I would ever work with this DP again?

Two weeks earlier, the production was shorthanded.  I called around, and a buddy said he would grip for us, if I paid him a $50 kit fee.

Grips don’t have kits, by and large.  They have gloves and a diddy bag, maybe.  We were renting our gear from Castex.  So, basically, the guy wanted to get paid when no one else on the crew was.

What he didn’t seem to realize was, once I give him money, he’s no longer a friend doing me a favor; he’s an employee doing a job.  He knew we desperately needed people, and he exploited that fact.

Both of these guys used the excuse that they’re out of work, and they needed money.  The thing is, everyone is out of work.  Everyone needs money.  But if you can’t get money, you should at least get a favor in return.

These two have totally burned bridges.  They’ll need help in the future, and they won’t get it, from anyone involved in this production.  How do they not know this?

Perspective

Yesterday’s post produced some interesting comments.  Capn Cookie said that, while Bale’s outburst was uncalled for, the DP was still kind of a dick.  Which called to mind an incident that happened on set only a few weeks ago.

As you probably know, it’s standard procedure to turn your cell phone to vibrate when on stage.  If you’re actually standing on the set, it’s a good idea to turn the ringer off altogether.

Needless to say, we were all surprised when a phone rang in the middle of a take.  Everyone looked around, ready to glare accusingly at whoever was so careless.

Then the DP looked down at his own pocket, surprised.  “Oh, it’s me!  Sorry,” he said, turning off the phone.  “Man, I’ve yelled at so many people for doing that.”

He chuckled and then went back to work.

I wonder if he will remember this little episode the next time someone’s phone goes off.  I wonder why I doubt it.

Crackin’ Wise

One of our 2nd ADs just did one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen.

We’re shooting on location, and we have those “Filming in Progress” signs up all over the street. You know the ones, where they say, “If you’re in this area, we have the right to use your image and likeness.” I’m not sure how legitimate those are. I mean, can I put one of those signs up in a girls’ dorm, and start my own dirty picture website? When they complain, I’ll just shrug and say, “There’s a sign.”

Anyway, back to (slightly) less voyeuristic topics, we had just moved on to a new set up, and the camera turned around. Suddenly, the DP jumped out of his little monitor tent and ran across the street, which the camera could now see.

He searched up and down a brick wall, until he finally came across our “Filming in Progress” sign. On the monitor, it must have looked like a random white square in the middle of a red brick wall.

Now, a rational person would take the sign down, and throw it away. Not this guy, though. No, he marched up to our 2nd AD, thrust the paper into his hand, and growled, “Take this and wipe your ass with it.”

So the AD took it and wiped it on the DP.

Killing the Joke

Here’s a classic joke, told on film sets around the world, that I absolutely love.

A producer, a director, and a DP are scouting locations. As they’re wandering around, one of them spots a lamp. Naturally, they decide to rub it, and, just as naturally, a genie pops out.

The genie says, “Since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish.”

The DP says, “I want to live on a beach in the south Pacific, where I can film the most gorgeous sunsets in the most beautiful settings for the rest of my life.”

The genie says, “Done,” and POOF! The DP disappears.

The director says, “I want to make the biggest, most epic movie ever, with a limitless budget, a cast of thousands, and all the time I need to shoot it.”

The genie says, “Done,” and POOF! The director disappears.

Then the producer glances at his watch and says, “I want them both back here in five minutes.”

:)

A simple joke, based solidly on stereotypes we all know and the rule of three.

It’s not a hard joke to tell, but somehow, the AD I wrote about yesterday ruined it. He killed it. He shot it twice in the back of the head so its joke mother couldn’t have a joke open casket funeral.

Here’s his version, told during a rehearsal to an audience of grips, electrics, and PAs:

Okay, so a director, a producer, and an AD are out on a scout…

This is a seemingly unnecessary change, but most crew members deal with ADs more than producers, so I can see how this makes the joke more identifiable to the audience. Plus, it throws a little self-deprecation into the proceedings.

Along the way, they find a lamp. They rub it, and a genie appears. The genie says, “I will grant you one wish each.”

The director says, “I want to live on a beach in the south Pacific, where I can film the most gorgeous sunsets in the most beautiful settings for the rest of my life.”

The genie says, “Done,” and POOF! The director disappears.

The producer says, “I want to make the biggest, most epic movie ever, with a limitless budget, a cast of thousands, and all the time I need to shoot it.”

The genie says, “Done,” and POOF! The producer disappears.

Okay, it’s a little odd to transpose the stereotypical behavior this way, but I can dig it. It doesn’t really hurt the joke.

Then the AD goes,

And here our real AD pauses to take a deep breath…

“I want that director [gasp] and that producer [gasp] back here, RIGHT! NOOOOOOW!“

Everyone just stared at the guy. They couldn’t figure out if the joke was over, or what.

I knew the punchline, and I was still baffled. Underplaying the final statement is what makes it play. The producer (or AD) doesn’t even realize what an asshole he’s being. Anger just muddies the waters.

The best part is, the actual producer and director were on the set, and they heard the shouting. Later, they said they were afraid to come out, because they couldn’t figure what they had done to make the AD so pissed off that he would scream for them across the stage.