Learning the Hard Way

Well, maybe not the hardest way, but still, I learned.

I got myself a fancy new phone last week, and the first thing I did was figure out how to turn my phone on vibrate.

This is a very important feature on any phone, when you work on a film set. In fact, if you’re actually, physically on set, like a camera assistant or boom operator, you should probably put your phone on silent altogether.

In the office, you obviously don’t have to worry about ruining a take from your desk. Still, as a PA, I go to and from the set a lot. I make a habit of putting my phone on vibrate the moment I pull into my parking spot. That way, I don’t have to remember to switch it on and off, depending on where I am.

So, imagine my surprise when, while I was passing out callsheets, I heard the theme from Indiana Jones. (Did I mention the second thing I figured out was how to change my ringer to the Indiana Jones theme?)

At first, I assumed it was someone else’s cell (who doesn’t like Indiana Jones?), but sure enough, it was mine.

As it turns out, the “Vibrate All” option on my phone actually means, “Vibrate Phone, Texts, Chats, and Emails, But Not, However, The Alarm Clock.” I guess that was too much to fit on the screen.

I’m sure I had a good reason for setting my alarm for 3:00pm, but I’ll be damned if I can remember what it was.

The point is, it was a damn good thing I wasn’t on set. A guy could get fired for that.

So what I’m telling you is, if you get a new phone, make sure you test out everything that could set your phone off, just in case.

Not Impressed

People often ask why I don’t invite my wife to visit the set. She’s a civilian (what we call someone who doesn’t work in the industry), so everyone assumes that she’ll be impressed by all the lights and cameras and semi-famous people.

The thing is, she will never, ever be impressed, especially not with the shit I work on. Here’s why.

The first night she was in Los Angeles, we saw some bright lights downtown. “Let’s go see what they’re filming,” I said.

We pull up across the street from a building lit up with huge nine lights (I don’t know what they’re actually called; ask an electrician). There’s two cranes, a camera hangs from one and a person dangles from the other.

Suddenly, in perfect sync, the person drops 80 feet while the camera shoots up just as fast.

We didn’t know what the movie was, but was saw a bunch of paparazzi hanging around, snapping pictures. I went up to one photographer and asked who was up there.

He showed me this picture:

I'm pretty sure I was standing behind the paparazzo who took this photo.

Welcome to Los Angeles.

So, yeah, a hundred thousand dollar straight-to-video giant eel flick isn’t going to impress my wife.

- – -

Speaking of people falling from great heights, I highly recommend you read this post from the Hollywood Juicer. It’s not a happy or funny story, but it is moving.

Something I Will Never Understand

Why is it that the three departments most concerned with an actor’s look (wardrobe, make-up, and hair) always look the worst?

I’m a straight white guy, so I have no fashion sense. I really don’t care what my clothes look like; I have shirts that don’t match themselves.  But some of the things I see costume designers wear just blow my mind– poofy shirts, gold trim, unflattering tailoring.

And it’s not like they don’t know how to pick out nice clothes.  Just look at the actors!  They look great.  So what happens when they start using their own money?

It’s not just wardrobe, either.  Hairstylists’ hair tends to look like this, while make-up artists apply their own make-up like this. Is it some kind of professional pride, that they have to apply it themselves?

It’s just bizarre.  I mean, do location managers live in ugly houses? Do electrics sit in poorly lit rooms?  Do script supervisors, um… forget where they put stuff, I guess?

Seriously, how does this happen?

Boredom

A lot of time on set is spent sitting around, waiting for other people to do their jobs. You gotta wait for the actors to block the scene, then wait for grips and electrics to light it, then camera has to set focus marks, then hair, make-up, and costume have to fix up the actors, because they’ve been sitting under the hot lights too long, and then you actually roll. And roll. And roll.

Keep rolling!

You gotta find a way to fill all the time.

Some common ways are football pools, or the dollar raffle (write your name on a dollar, and whoever’s bill gets drawn wins the pot). But there are some esoteric games unique to each department.

The grips have the C-stand game. What you do is, you crane the stick up as high as it can go. Then, you loosen the knuckle, letting it fall, and tighten it just before hits the base (or your hand). The closest to the base without hitting it wins.

Camera assistants play with the time code, or footage, meter. See, at the beginning of a tape, you’re supposed to roll 30 seconds of bars and tone. (In film, you roll 5 or 10 feet of a color chart.) Once again, whoever can get the closest without going over wins. This is much easier in film than in video, as you might imagine.

In the office, we have a game involving paper. When we get revisions, we calculate how much paper we’ll need (say, 23 green pages X 75 copies = 1725 sheets). Then, we try to pull out exactly that much paper (three reams, plus approximately a half). The goal is to come out with as little colored paper in the tray as you can.

As I was writing these, I came to realize how lame most of these games sound.

But there is one game that sounds totally awesome– gay chicken. A long time ago, I saw a production designer and DP play this game the time. It basically involves two guys taking turns touching each other. You start someplace innocuous, like the shoulder or arm, then work your way closer and closer to the other dude’s junk, until someone drops out.

I’m still not clear who’s the winner in that game…

Killing the Joke

Here’s a classic joke, told on film sets around the world, that I absolutely love.

A producer, a director, and a DP are scouting locations. As they’re wandering around, one of them spots a lamp. Naturally, they decide to rub it, and, just as naturally, a genie pops out.

The genie says, “Since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish.”

The DP says, “I want to live on a beach in the south Pacific, where I can film the most gorgeous sunsets in the most beautiful settings for the rest of my life.”

The genie says, “Done,” and POOF! The DP disappears.

The director says, “I want to make the biggest, most epic movie ever, with a limitless budget, a cast of thousands, and all the time I need to shoot it.”

The genie says, “Done,” and POOF! The director disappears.

Then the producer glances at his watch and says, “I want them both back here in five minutes.”

:)

A simple joke, based solidly on stereotypes we all know and the rule of three.

It’s not a hard joke to tell, but somehow, the AD I wrote about yesterday ruined it. He killed it. He shot it twice in the back of the head so its joke mother couldn’t have a joke open casket funeral.

Here’s his version, told during a rehearsal to an audience of grips, electrics, and PAs:

Okay, so a director, a producer, and an AD are out on a scout…

This is a seemingly unnecessary change, but most crew members deal with ADs more than producers, so I can see how this makes the joke more identifiable to the audience. Plus, it throws a little self-deprecation into the proceedings.

Along the way, they find a lamp. They rub it, and a genie appears. The genie says, “I will grant you one wish each.”

The director says, “I want to live on a beach in the south Pacific, where I can film the most gorgeous sunsets in the most beautiful settings for the rest of my life.”

The genie says, “Done,” and POOF! The director disappears.

The producer says, “I want to make the biggest, most epic movie ever, with a limitless budget, a cast of thousands, and all the time I need to shoot it.”

The genie says, “Done,” and POOF! The producer disappears.

Okay, it’s a little odd to transpose the stereotypical behavior this way, but I can dig it. It doesn’t really hurt the joke.

Then the AD goes,

And here our real AD pauses to take a deep breath…

“I want that director [gasp] and that producer [gasp] back here, RIGHT! NOOOOOOW!“

Everyone just stared at the guy. They couldn’t figure out if the joke was over, or what.

I knew the punchline, and I was still baffled. Underplaying the final statement is what makes it play. The producer (or AD) doesn’t even realize what an asshole he’s being. Anger just muddies the waters.

The best part is, the actual producer and director were on the set, and they heard the shouting. Later, they said they were afraid to come out, because they couldn’t figure what they had done to make the AD so pissed off that he would scream for them across the stage.

Awkward…

Some people are shy. Actors, generally, are not.

A certain actor, let’s call him “Mick Molte,” would regularly show up on set wearing nothing but a T-shirt and a pair of pajama pants with the crotch worn through. And when I write, “nothing but,” I’m including underwear.

(I must admit that I didn’t witness this behavior myself; I didn’t join that production until later.)

An actress on my current show has several tattoos that need to be covered whenever she wears a revealing dress (which is often). My friend has “unintentionally” walked in on this process a number of times. I should point out that make up trailers have more mirrors than a disco ball.

I have a one up on him, though. Unfortunately.

I was working on a terrible little horror movie. The scene required the actress to jump out of her bed and sprint for the door. Sadly, the set walls were hanging from the ceiling, and the slightest touch would send them crashing to the ground.

The AD needed someone to catch her before she slammed into the wall, destroying the set and thus costing the production tens of dollars. I happened to be standing there, so I drew the short straw.

I once again tried the, “But I’m married!” excuse, and once again got shot down with, “That’s why you’ll be less grabby.”

Oh, so mistaken.

So, the director calls, “Action!”, the actress lunges at me, I throw up my hands to catch her, and…

Grab her boob.

(Or, more accurately, Dow Corning’s boob.)

I felt really bad, and apologized profusely, but she said don’t worry about it. “It happens all the time.”

Uh…

Wow.

(And don’t worry, I apologized to my wife, and her real boobs, when I got home.)